


One Lump Or Two?

by stonecoldsteverogers



Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Dungeons & Dragons - All Media Types, Yenta (Dungeons & Dragons Campaign)
Genre: #Camelship, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Archaeology, Coffee, Don't Try This At Home, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Graduate School, Multi, Original Character(s), Original Player Characters, Sleep Deprivation, Slice of Life, Too much coffee, Truly Inadvisable Amounts of Coffee, Useless Pansexuals, Why Did I Write This?, i guarantee we can be at least as useless as lesbians, why was there not already a 'useless pansexuals' tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-11-05 04:27:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17912024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stonecoldsteverogers/pseuds/stonecoldsteverogers
Summary: Lilac is a PhD student with a serious caffeine addiction and an even more serious crush on the two hot baristas at the local camel-themed coffee shop.(Writing a coffee shop AU of your own D&D campaign is a good use of time, right?)





	1. High Int, Low Wis, Zero Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> alternate title: The #Camelship Cannot Be Stopped
> 
> hello and welcome to my first ever published fanfiction, it is for my own d&d campaign because i make weird choices.
> 
> seriously, we don't even record or stream this thing. it will make sense to no one else. i just mentioned offhand that my character was probably going to fall in love with two of my friends' characters and suddenly we were all shipping it hard and planning the coffee shop au and then my hand slipped and i started actually writing the coffee shop au. WE'VE ONLY EVER PLAYED ONE SESSION WHAT IS WRONG WITH US.
> 
> anyway, this takes place in a modern-but-still-magical world - this is not a human or real-world AU, we're all still weird fantasy critters, we just also have smartphones and lattes.
> 
> am i planning to write more? yes. how much more will i write? idk, your guess is as good as mine.
> 
> do not ask why it's called the #camelship. just accept it.
> 
> i would like to thank/blame my three co-conspirators: Mori's player ([cloudsgirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudsgrl)), Kam's player ([Flite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flite)), and Shiro's player (who doesn't have an Ao3 account). they have been excellent-slash-terrible enablers, beta readers, and sources of ridiculous ideas. the rest of our party has no idea we're doing this (yet) and is completely innocent.
> 
> ok, i think that's everything. at this point you know as much as i do (read: very little). enjoy... whatever this is. <3

Lilac was dying. Grad school was going to kill her.

She'd gotten seven hours of sleep over the past three days, she still had half the Artifacts exams to grade, and she was meeting with her advisor tomorrow and if she didn't have another 5000 words of her proposal written… well, she'd better get another 5000 words written.

Lilac trudged down the street towards the library. Or, she'd thought she was heading towards the library, but these trees didn't look right. Neither did these buildings. Had she overshot? Where _was_ she?

Peering around in confusion, Lilac was suddenly struck by the most beautiful sight: a coffee shop. It was apparently called “One Lump Or Two” and had an adorable drawing of a camel made out of teacups on the sign. This delighted her, but what delighted her even more was that there was coffee inside.

She stumbled through the door, spent an admirably short amount of time untangling the strap of her overstuffed bag from the handle, looked up, and stopped dead in her tracks.

Lilac was dying. Her gayness was going to kill her.

There were two absolutely stunning people standing behind the counter. One was a half-orc with hair dyed in a gorgeous pastel rainbow, perfect eyeliner, and biceps to die for. The other was a silver dragonborn with a lean physique, an awesome crest, and a seriously hot outdoorsy-flannel-butch vibe. They were both at least seven feet tall.

In her imagination, a large neon sign started flashing “MARRIAGE MATERIAL.”

The dragonborn appeared to be lecturing the half-orc, who was rolling her eyes. Why was that hot. _It shouldn't be hot_.

Lilac must have squeaked, or made a choking noise, or done something else that she really hoped wasn't saying that out loud, because suddenly both of her new crushes were looking at her.

“Hi! What can we get for you?” asked the sexy lumberjack dragonborn in a friendly but mellow customer service voice.

Lilac blinked, then remembered vaguely how her body worked and tottered forward. “Uh. Coffee?” she ventured, bouncing gently off the counter and then catching herself on it. “Please? Umm, venti?”

Everybody's dream half-orc goth girlfriend huffed an almost-laugh. “We're not Starbucks, but I can give you twenty ounces of coffee, sure.” Then she squinted at Lilac more closely. Lilac felt her face heating up and knew she must be blushing dark purple. “How much sleep did you skip?”

“Uh.” Lilac briefly tried to do math and realized it was a lost cause. “All of it?”

“Yeah, that was my guess. All right, I got you. One extra large Death Wish coming up.” She strode off towards the wall of intimidating coffee machinery.

Sexy Lumberjack called after her. “What have I told you about serving that to customers who weigh less than a hundred twenty pounds?”

Goth Girlfriend waved a dismissive hand over her shoulder without turning around. “Look at her. I can't break her any worse than she's already broken.”

Sexy Lumberjack turned back to examine Lilac. “She's probably right,” Lilac admitted, almost certainly not swaying on her feet.

Sexy Lumberjack sighed. “All right, fine.” As she started to ring up the coffee, Lilac watched Goth Girlfriend heft a large carafe out from under the counter. Its contents were pitch black and strangely opaque. It was also covered in brightly colored warning stickers in shades of pink and black.

She squinted. Did one of them say “HIGH VOLTAGE”? And was it _glittering?_

“That'll be five silver pieces. Will that be to stay or to go?”

Lilac pulled her attention back to Sexy Lumberjack and made the bittersweet discovery that when you're a five-foot-two useless pansexual talking to a seven-foot-plus goddess, your eyes will be pretty much at tit level. She blushed furiously and looked away again, spotting a large empty table with a cozy chair perfectly positioned in a sunbeam. It looked _heavenly._ “Umm, to stay please. Thanks.”

Money changed hands. Lilac left a Sorry For The Ogling tip in the jar. Goth Girlfriend started pouring her… whatever it was… into a large ceramic mug. It seemed unusually viscous for coffee. Lilac tipped her head to follow its slow oozing and almost overbalanced.

She was still righting herself when the mug was thunked down on the counter in front of her. The contents did not splash. “Here you go,” said Goth Girlfriend.

Lilac reached out to take it and missed. Goth Girlfriend chuckled. “Okay, champ, wait right there. I don't trust you with cream and sugar. What do you want?”

Lilac bit her tongue to stop herself from answering honestly. “Uhh, yes? Lots.”

Goth Girlfriend nodded, grabbed a canister of sugar, and upended it over the mug. Sexy Lumberjack looked sympathetic. “How about you go sit down before you fall down and we'll bring this over.”

Lilac mumbled something grateful - it may have been “Thank you, Coffee Angels” but she wasn't sure - and wandered off to collapse into the comfy chair. When she looked back, Goth Girlfriend was still pouring sugar into the mug. Sexy Lumberjack was trying to grab the canister, but Goth Girlfriend was holding her off with one long, muscular, glorious arm.

She must have dozed off for a moment because the next thing she registered was the gentle clunk of her mug hitting her table. Lilac made an involuntary nonverbal happy sound, grabbed the mug, and took a long gulp.

Her entire head went _WHOOSH._

Lilac was preoccupied with the fact that she could see to the edges of time and space, but she was still vaguely aware of what was happening to her physical form. Her eyes had gone wide and unblinking. She was sitting upright and utterly still. Her tail was completely vertical.

Distantly, she heard Sexy Lumberjack say “oh shit” and Goth Girlfriend start to cackle with glee.

Then her soul dropped back into her body and time unfroze. She stared down at the mug in awe. It had an adorable teacup camel hand-painted on it. She felt her mouth stretch into a wide smile and her tail start to lash back and forth with excitement.

Lilac wrapped both hands around the mug and brought it to her face, inhaling that glorious steam. “This is my favorite thing in the world and you two are my favorite people in the world and I love you.” She closed her eyes, took another gulp, and sighed happily.

“I TOLD YOU,” crowed Goth Girlfriend.

Sexy Lumberjack stalked back behind the counter. “Yeah, yeah, but I stand by the hundred and twenty pounds rule. This was a special case.”

“UGH. Fine, _Mom_.”

Lilac stayed there until they closed. She drank two more mugs of Death Wish and three mugs of herbal tea after Sexy Lumberjack cut her off, wrote 8000 words of proposal, finished all of her grading, told her life story to her two new favorite people in the world, learned their names were Mori (Goth Girlfriend) and Kam (Sexy Lumberjack), and signed up for a wilderness survival class in a fit of excess energy.

She _loved_ this place. She was going to _live_ here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: lilac's Coffee Experience is based on the time i went to the ER and they gave me too much morphine by accident. that was a fun night.


	2. Investigation Check (Succeeded), Perception Check (Failed)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lilac visits her new friends again and runs into a less-new friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP NOT SURE HOW TO STOP

The next morning, Lilac pranced happily into One Lump Or Two on the way to class.

“Good morning friends!” she sang out once she confirmed that Sexy Lumb- err, that Kam and Mori were working again. “Thank you so much again for yesterday! I got so ahead on my work I actually had time for six hours of sleep last night!”

“Oh boy, six whole hours,” drawled Mori from behind the Coffee Device where she was busily making a drink for someone with blue hair. “Time to celebrate.”

“Mhmm!” Lilac bounced on her toes, gazing up at the menu. “In fact, I feel so great I barely need any caffeine at all today! So can I get a grande triple shot latte with whole milk and umm… ooo, vanilla syrup and cinnamon? If you have cinnamon?”

“Of course we have cinnamon, but this still isn’t Starbucks!” Mori huffed.

Kam blinked at her from behind the register. “A triple-shot latte is 'barely any caffeine at all’?”

“Uh huh!” Lilac nodded vigorously. “I mean, I very much have a dependency, so I usually need at least a double shot just to be at a reasonable baseline. The third shot is because I'm teaching two classes this morning. And then I have an appointment with my advisor this afternoon so I'll probably be back around lunchtime.” She smiled brightly.

“...Huh,” said Kam. “I’ll keep that in mind.” Lilac probably should have wondered about that, but she was busy watching Mori's arms flex as she pulled a large gleaming lever on some sort of coffee contraption. For someone who loved elaborate coffee drinks as much as she did, Lilac knew very little about how they were made. Maybe Mori could tell her more about it sometime. Over dinner.

“I like this one,” Mori said over her shoulder as she handed a mug to the blue-haired customer. “She clearly respects the Caffeine Gods.” Lilac  _ definitely  _ did not blush. It was just warm in here.

Kam shook her head, but she was smiling. Gosh, she had a pretty smile. Lilac immediately resolved to make her smile more. “That’ll be four silver and three copper. Also, have you considered consuming things other than caffeine? We do sell food here. Muffins and such.”

Lilac lit up. “Ooo, I love muffins! Can I also have one of whatever your favorite muffin is, please?” She happily settled up, dropped her change in the tip jar, and put the paper bag with her muffin (pumpkin with sunflower seeds) into her bag, carefully balanced on top of the textbooks so it wouldn't get squished. Mori passed her a beautifully large paper cup stamped with the already-familiar teacup-camel logo. Lilac clutched it like it was made of solid gold. She took a deep breath and sighed, then took a long sip and sighed again.

“This is perfect, I love you both, thank you so much, see you later!” she called over her shoulder as she scampered out the door, bag bouncing on her hip.

Kam and Mori looked at each other.

“Should we be worried about all the 'I love you's?”

“I think she's just like that. We can always go with the usual, if you're concerned.”

“Eh. Let's wait and see.”

* * *

Lilac was definitely flagging as she walked back through the door at lunchtime, but she was still more alive than yesterday. She scanned the room for a free table, but gasped when she spotted the blue hair she’d seen this morning but had been too distracted to actually recognize. “Oh! Shiro! Hi!”

Shiro looked up and grinned. “Hey, Lilac. Glad to see you still remember me.”

Lilac giggled and dropped into the seat across from him. “I’m sorry I didn’t say hi before! In my defense, I’m completely brainless in the morning before I’ve sufficiently self-medicated.”

“Huh, funny. You seemed surprisingly awake and talkative.” He glanced sidelong towards Kam and Mori, then looked back at Lilac with a smirk. “Are you sure you weren’t just  _ distracted? _ ”

Lilac blushed violet. “Shhh, oh my gods, Shiro! What if they hear you?” she hissed. She glanced over at the counter, but Kam and Mori were preoccupied with exchanging strange looks about something, so she was probably safe. She leaned closer to Shiro and whispered as quietly as she could manage. “I only met them yesterday! I’m still in the ‘paralyzing fear’ stage of having a crush!”

Shiro laughed, but his face was sympathetic. “Fine, fine. But I’m afraid I may have bad news - I think they’re dating. Each other, I mean, and monogamously.”

Lilac felt her tail droop. “Oh no, really?” She sighed and dropped her hand into her chin, trying not to pout too obviously and knowing she was failing. “Oh well. I guess I can still enjoy the eye candy. And the coffee is amazing.”

“I’m not positive,” Shiro said, rubbing absently at the shaved side of his head while he thought back. “I’ve never been close enough to hear, but once or twice I’ve seen a customer obviously flirting with one of them. Whichever one’s being flirted with always turns them down, and smiles at the other one while she’s doing it.” He patted her on the head between her horns, only a little condescending. “I might be wrong. But I wanted to let you know, so you’re prepared for the possibility.”

“Yeah. Thanks, Shiro. I appreciate it.” She smiled at him and perked back up. “So are you a regular here? I didn’t know this place existed until yesterday when I found it completely by accident!”

“Yeah, I come here on days when I'm not teaching to get work done, pretend I have a real grown-up job. Otherwise I'd just lie in bed until noon.”

“Awesome! I'll probably start working here a lot too. Maybe we'll run into each other! I got SO much done yesterday thanks to Mori's scary death coffee.”

Shiro laughed. “Yeah, I can imagine! I had a couple ounces of that during finals grading last semester. I was awake for 32 hours and I thought my heart was gonna burst out of my chest, but at least I got everything submitted on time.”

Lilac did not let her smile fade. “Ha ha. A couple of ounces. Yes.” Her tail whipped back and forth anxiously.

Shiro narrowed his eyes. “Lilac, how much did you drink?”

Lilac looked down at her wrist. Dang, she hadn't worn a watch. Wait, she didn't even  _ own _ a watch. Whatever. “Oh wow would you look at the time! I have to go meet my advisor, better order my coffee and get going!”

“Lilac!”

She ignored him as she bustled to the counter. “Hi Kam hi Mori sorry I lost track of time and I'm running late so can I just have a grande drip coffee to go please? Thanks keep the change I love you bye!” She slapped five silver pieces onto the counter, snatched the cardboard cup that Mori had thankfully somehow already poured, and booked it. She heard Mori say “It's a LARGE, not a grande!” just before the door slammed behind her.

After she dashed out the door, there was a moment of silence. Then Kam spoke. “She has no idea you can't actually talk so you speak telepathically instead, does she?”

Shiro's soft laugh rang in both their minds. “Nope. I've known her for a semester and a half and she still hasn't noticed. I stopped bothering to lip sync months ago. And she  _ definitely _ hasn't figured out that I can selectively speak to just one or two minds and leave others completely in the dark.”

Mori grinned, tusks gleaming. “What did you say to her that she was worried we might hear?”

Shiro lifted his chin and grinned right back. “Answering that would be a breach of trust. How much of your rocket fuel did you feed her yesterday?”

“Answering that would also be a breach of trust,” said Kam, studiously wiping down the counters. Shiro threw up his hands in exasperation and muttered something about tiny tieflings with no sense of self preservation as he turned back to his laptop.


	3. Prestidigitation & Mending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lilac gets to know her crushes a bit better. This is both good and not so good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how did this chapter get so long yikes

Lilac arrived early the next day, which is to say she arrived during the normal rush of 9-to-5 folks rather than rolling in on her usual weird academic schedule. The line was almost to the door, but that was fine. She wasn't in a hurry. She’d left her apartment almost an hour early for extremely normal adult reasons and definitely not just because she wanted to see her two Coffee Angels.

Unfortunately her view was blocked by the tall, muscular human just ahead of her in line. No worries - she was planning to drink her coffee here so she could ineptly flirt anyway. She'd have plenty of time to admire the scenery. Lilac bounced on her toes, taking the time to let her eyes and thoughts wander.

It really was a cute little shop. Mismatched, well-loved armchairs and tables were scattered across the honey-colored hardwood floor in cozy clusters. The front wall was almost entirely made of windows, letting in plenty of sunlight and balancing the visual weight of the dark red-brown exposed brick behind the counter. Flyers for local events were taped haphazardly to the glass near the door - Lilac grinned when she recognized the one for the wilderness survival class she'd signed up for during her caffeine fugue the other day. She was hoping some of those skills would be useful in the field, and if they gave her something to talk about with a certain outdoorsy dragonborn, that was just a perk.

The other two walls were a pleasant shade of pale green, closer to a sage than a mint. Clusters of framed photographs broke up the green periodically, an eclectic mix of natural landscapes, what were probably coffee and tea farms - was 'farm’ even the right word? - and camels. The cream-painted ceiling was high and oddly textured. Was it for acoustic reasons, to cut down on echoes? Or maybe it was just decorative. Lilac was peering at it and trying to decide when she heard Kam laughing, a deep, warm sound that made her tail curl.

She turned towards the sound greedily, leaning precariously sideways to see around the human wall in front of her and counterbalancing with her tail. Kam was smiling at the customer she was ringing up, though she looked a little stiff. Lilac frowned.

“I'm flattered,” she was saying, “but I'm happily coupled, and my partner doesn't like to share.” She tilted her head towards Mori, who was smiling dangerously and flexing her biceps from behind the Coffee Contraption.

The customer flinched and stammered something apologetic, but Lilac was too busy ducking back behind her convenient human shield to pay attention. Safely out of sight, she let her shoulders droop and her tail sag. Shiro had been right - they were dating, and they were exclusive.

She heaved a quiet sigh and allowed herself a minute to mope. When her time was up, she straightened her spine and lifted her chin. Kam and Mori were super awesome people and she would still love to be their friend. Lilac bundled her crushes up, stashed them next to her heart where she could enjoy the giddy feelings in privacy, and resolved not to be weird. Or at least not any weirder than she was with anyone.

Lilac had a lot of experience with crushes that didn't go anywhere. She'd be fine.

She combed her fingers through her ponytail and quickly cast Prestidigitation to make sure it was at Maximum Floof. There was nothing better for a mood boost than great hair, and Lilac knew her hair was  _ excellent _ .

By the time she'd pulled herself together, the enormous human in front of her was somehow managing to conduct his entire transaction without using any actual words. He must be a regular. Fortunately there was no one else in line behind her - she must have come in just at the end of the morning rush - so she wouldn't have to hurry through her order to be polite. More time to make friends!

“Hi hello good morning!” she chimed as she bounced up to the counter. “Can you make a mocha out of Mori's scary stuff with all the warning stickers on it?”

“Hey, don't knock the stickers,” said Mori. She was piling whipped cream on top of an enormous caramel-y concoction. “My stickers are awesome. Kam told me I had to label my special brews for safety reasons and I finally found those at Hot Topic. Nowhere else had pink glittery warning labels.”

“Good morning, Lilac. And yes, Mori, I did ask you to label them, but I really just meant a piece of tape with your name on it.”

“Not my fault you weren't specific.” Mori passed the sugary monstrosity she'd just finished over to the Human Wall with a jaunty salute. He nodded cheerfully and reached the door in three long strides. “Also, yes, I can totally make a Death Wish mocha. Whole milk okay?”

“Yes, venti with whole milk to stay please!”

“Still not Starbucks!”

Kam laughed again and Lilac let herself believe it was more genuine than the one she'd given the flirty customer before. Which reminded her. “I'd also like a blueberry scone please!  _ Also _ also, I didn't realize you two were dating, that's awesome!”

“Oh. Umm, yeah.” Kam's claws faltered on the register and her cheeks turned an adorable shade of dark pewter. Her eyes flicked to the window seat where the customer who'd been hitting on her still lurked. “That's… a thing.” Oh no, she was  _ too cute _ when she was being bashful. This was not helping the crush situation. Be normal. Keep talking.  


“Neat! How long have you two been together? Did you meet working here or did you already know each other? It's so great that you're both super tall, you match!”

Kam stared at her for a moment. Before she could respond, they were interrupted by the extended clatter of breaking porcelain. Their heads turned in unison.

“Damn,” said Mori. “Sorry, dropped a mug. At least it was empty.” Lilac hoisted herself partway onto the counter so she could peek over the edge and yep, those were bits of mug surrounding Mori's feet. She ought to know - she spent enough time with shards of pottery. “Kam, think you can grab the broom? I don't want to kick pieces all over.” Mori’s boots did look like they could do quite a lot of kicking.

“Sure, one sec!” Kam hurried through the door to the back.

Mori smiled at her. “Welp, can't move until this is cleaned up, so I can't start your drink, sorry. But you know Shiro, huh? Are you two in the same program or whatever?”

Lilac perked up at the reminder that they had a friend in common. This whole friends thing could work! “Oh, yes! Different programs but same department. I'm in archaeology, he's in languages. He specializes in ancient languages, deciphering them and translating them and stuff, so we work together sometimes. We met last semester when Professor Canelle recruited us both. She was working with some clay tablets from pre-Dragon War Sundrias. Shiro was translating the text while I was focusing on analyzing the tablets themselves - how they were made, how they'd been preserved, that sort of thing...”

Lilac happily chattered away about Shiro, the work they’d done together, the work they were both doing now, and the adorable dog she’d seen on the way here. Kam and Mori swept the mug fragments into the dustpan while Lilac squashed the ingrained instinct to bag and tag them. Once that was taken care of, Mori started on her mocha and Kam offered to warm up her scone.

“Ooo, you can do that? Yes please!”

“Yes, we have unlocked the secret of fire.”

Lilac giggled, then froze. “Wait wait wait I'm an idiot! Gimme the mug bits!”

“What?” Kam and Mori both stared at her, heads tilted at the same angle in confusion.

“I can fix it! I know how to cast Mending! I just forgot for a minute, but then you mentioned unlocking secrets and I remembered.” Lilac stretched both arms towards the dustpan and made grabby motions with her hands.

“You… forgot how to cast Mending?” Kam looked skeptical.

“No, I forgot I knew it.” If anything, Kam looked even more skeptical. Lilac did her best to look cute and helpless, which she knew from experience was very good. “In my defense, you haven't given me any coffee yet.”

Mori, however, was nodding sagely and already reaching for the dustpan. “I feel you. I've been there.” She carefully tipped the mug bits into a small plastic bin and tilted her head towards the barstools at one end of the counter. “Why don't you park down there while you work?”

“Sure!” Lilac hopped onto the nearest stool and cracked her knuckles. Mori slid the bin down the bar and it stopped exactly in front of her. “Whoa, nice!”

“Thanks. I get a lot of practice,” Mori grinned. She slid the mug full of Death Mocha down the counter with the same precision. “And this is on the house, as a thank you for fixing the mug.”

“Aww, thank you, that's so sweet! But you really don't have to-” Lilac began, hunting for her wallet.

Kam interrupted by thunking a plate full of warm scone in front of her. “Nope, we're not taking your money. I have a feeling you'll be spending enough here anyway with your caffeine tolerance.”

“Okay, okay!” Lilac raised her hands in dramatic surrender. “Guilty as charged. You two are the best, thank you!” She took a big gulp of her mocha and hummed happily, tail wagging. “Ohhh my gosh this is so tasty!”

When she looked back up, Mori wasn't looking at her, but there was a small smile on her face. Were her cheeks a slightly darker shade of green? No, she had to be imagining it.

“So,” said Kam, leaning her forearms on the counter. Lilac resolutely kept her eyes on her face and not on where the neckline of her white tank top was doing something very interesting. She stuffed half her scone into her mouth as a distraction. Ooo, that was tasty too! “I assume you picked up magic to help with the whole archaeology thing?” Lilac nodded, mouth full. “What other stuff can you do?”

“Mm hmm mmm - mn.” Lilac swallowed. “Sorry. Mostly what you'd expect - Detect Magic, Identify, Comprehend Languages. Stuff that's useful on a dig or while working with artifacts.” She picked up two larger pieces of mug, held them together, and unbroke them with her magic's characteristic burst of black and purple sparkles. She grabbed a third piece. “I actually don't do this very often, since repairing things can erase valuable evidence. There are people who specialize in restoration, but I'm more focused on analysis.” Another puff of glitter and her mug chunk was slightly bigger. “Well. And I've also got the standard Tiefling tricks, I suppose. They're not usually that useful though.”

Kam looked intrigued. “Tiefling tricks?”

“Oh! That's right, sometimes I forget not everyone grew up on Aurelus. Tieflings have a small amount of inborn magic, even if they never get any formal training.”

“Like what?” asked Mori.

“Like this!”

Lilac closed her eyes and focused. The lights flickered, then dimmed. The shop became darker than should be possible in the middle of the day. The ground trembled, thunder rolled in the distance, and ominous whispers without a source filled the room.

Lilac opened her eyes. They were glowing an alarming shade of purple in the darkness.

Kam and Mori were backed up against the wall behind the counter. Mori was in front, brandishing the broom like a weapon. Kam was behind her, poised to throw a large coffee pot.

Lilac giggled and clapped, letting go of her magic. Everything snapped back to normal. “Yesss, gotcha! I haven't gotten to pull that on someone in the LONGEST time!” She did a little victory dance in her seat and started fishing around in the bin for the next chunk of mug.

After a long moment, Mori burst out laughing. “That was AWESOME! Gods, you just about stopped my heart!  _ Nice _ .”

Lilac smiled brightly. “Why thank you!”

Kam took a deep breath, carefully set down the coffee pot, turned to Lilac, and pointed. “You,” she said with a twinkle in her eye, “are a menace.”

Lilac recoiled and gasped. “Who, harmless little me?” She couldn't keep a straight face, though, and burst into giggles. “Yeah, I am. Most Tiefling magic is like that, though - harmless theatrical stuff. Fun for messing with friends, or getting undergrads to pay attention, but that's all.” She hummed thoughtfully as she fit two mug chunks together. “Though I suppose the acid and the hellfire probably don't count as harmless. But we almost never use those.”

Kam's eyes widened. “I'm sorry, the  _ what _ -?”

She was interrupted by the bell over the door. A grumpy-looking human in a campus security uniform slipped inside and trudged towards the counter. Lilac busied herself with her scone and her mug bits while Kam and Mori got him a large black coffee.

A minute after he left, Mori frowned from where she was wiping down her work area. “Wait a sec. If you can use magic to understand languages, why does Shiro need to translate them by hand?”

“Magical translation gets you a literal meaning, but it obscures a lot of nuance. Metaphors, references to contemporary events or stories, why the writer might have chosen one word instead of another - all of that can tell you useful things about the people you're studying! For example, those tablets we were working on? They used an extended allegory about - eep!” Lilac had been working while she talked and had reached into the bin without looking first. She pulled her hand back out and saw she'd managed to cut herself on a sharp edge. She stuck the wounded finger into her mouth. “Mmowch,” she mumbled around it.

“Oh geez, you okay?” Mori strode over. “I have some medical training - want me to take a look?”

“Myesh pliz.” Lilac pulled her finger back out of her mouth, wiped it on her leggings, and held it out towards Mori.

Mori wrapped one strong hand around Lilac's wrist, firm but surprisingly gentle. She carefully angled her hand until she could see the cut. Lilac, slightly giddy, noticed that Mori's hand was large enough that her fingers circled her wrist and still overlapped her thumb to the first knuckle.  _ Don't blush don't blush she's got a partner don't blush. _

“Oh, that's not too bad. Looks like it stings, though. I can fix that up right now - want me to?”

Lilac's throat was very, very dry. She shouldn't have eaten her scone so fast. She swallowed. “Umm, yeah. Yes. Thank you.”

Mori lightly laid the fingertips of her other hand over the cut, so gentle Lilac could hardly feel them. A small breeze ran down Mori's arm, over their joined hands, and up to Lilac's shoulders where it rustled her ponytail and tickled the buzzed hair underneath. It smelled like salt and sand and Lilac suddenly remembered with a pang that it had been almost a year since the last time she'd seen the ocean.

She blinked hard, caught off guard by the sudden rush of homesickness. When she opened her eyes, they met Mori's for a long moment. Lilac couldn't read her expression.

Mori released her hand and Lilac  _ definitely _ did not shiver. When she finally looked down, her finger was as good as new.

Be normal. Deep breath. “Thanks a bunch, Mori! That was really well cast - it didn't even itch!”

Mori was already heading back to her station, face turned away. “Aw, it's nothing. It's my fault you got hurt anyway.” Did her voice sound off? Maybe she was a little drained from the spell.

Lilac took a long drink from her mug to hide her burning cheeks. Gods, she must be practically fuchsia. “So what's your magical background?”

Mori cleared her throat and her voice was back to normal. “Paramedic. Still in training, technically, doing my last couple months of ride-alongs before I'm fully certified. The pay isn't great until you're a full medic, though, so I still pick up a few shifts a week here.”

Lilac felt her jaw drop. “That's so  _ cool! _ I bet you're super good at it.”

Mori raised an eyebrow. “What are you basing that on? You've known me for three days. As a barista.”

Lilac looked at the ceiling while she assembled her thoughts and started to count on her fingers. “Well, like I said, you cast that healing spell really well. Super gentle, not even a tickle. You're calm and level headed in a crisis, like I saw with the broken mug. Okay, that was a tiny crisis, I'm extrapolating, but still. You're really strong so I bet you're good at getting to people trapped in dangerous situations. And you give off this really safe vibe. Like, you're sturdy and dependable. You're probably really good at calming down panicking patients.” She folded her hands and looked back at Mori. “And if I can tell all that just from knowing you for three days as a barista, there must be even more great reasons I don't know about yet!”

Kam and Mori both stared at her for a moment and then Kam burst out laughing. “She's got you down, Mori!” She clapped Mori on one muscular shoulder. “Not so oblivious after all, huh?”

Lilac opened her mouth to protest but shut it again. She was self aware enough to know she didn't have a leg to stand on there, even if she wasn't sure what particular incident of obliviousness Kam was referring to. Which said enough on its own, really.

Mori rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Her cheeks were definitely a darker shade of green, though. So were the tips of her ears. Oh no, it was  _ adorable _ .

“So what about you, Kam?” Lilac asked, digging much more carefully in the bin. Her mug was almost reassembled. “Do you do any magic? Aside from the breathing cold thing, obviously.”

“Yeah, that's not as useful as people think it is. Mostly it's just a fun party trick if someone forgot to put the beer in the fridge.” She hopped up onto the counter next to Lilac's bin and idly kicked her long legs. Lilac did  _ not _ stare at her butt, even though it was  _ right there oh my gods.  _ “I'm not an expert or anything, but I go hiking and camping a lot, so I've picked up a couple spells that are handy for that kind of thing. Detect Poison and Detect Disease, mostly.” She smiled. “And I picked up Speak with Animals for fun. I like birds.”

“Aww, that's adorable! I love that!” Kam rolled her eyes, but she was grinning. “What do birds like to talk about?”

“Mostly what you'd expect. Yelling about their territory, yelling about predators, yelling about how horny they are-”

Lilac choked on her mocha. Kam laughed and placed a napkin into her flailing hand. “Excuse me,  _ what?” _ squeaked Lilac once she was breathing again.

“Oh, yeah. Most birds are  _ super _ thirsty. Basically half of what they're yelling is mating calls.”

“Wow,” said Lilac. “So, uh. I guess I learned something new today.” She pointedly ignored the voice in the back of her head that was half-hysterically saying  _ I am the birdiest bird ever to bird. Cheep cheep. I wonder if my hair counts as mating plumage. _

Kam was still laughing. Gosh, it really was a nice laugh. “Happy to help.”

Lilac realized she had just picked up the last piece of mug. She Mended the final break, Prestidigitated the mug clean for good measure, and presented it to Kam and Mori with a flourish. “And here you are! One camel mug, good as new.”

“Awesome! Thanks, Lilac.” The very tips of Kam's claws brushed Lilac's fingers as she delicately accepted the mug. Lilac bit her lip. “You're a sweetheart.”

Lilac had been blushing faintly all morning, but she was pretty sure her face was currently inventing an all-new shade of purple. “It wasn't a big deal,” she mumbled into the bottom of her mocha.

She was saved by the tinkle of the bell over the door. She turned to look at the newcomer and smiled in relief at the friendly distraction. “Oh, hi Shiro! Good morning!”

Shiro smiled and walked towards the counter. “Hey Mori. Hi Kam. Morning Lilac. Don't your office hours start in about three minutes?”

Lilac squeaked, scrambled for her phone, looked at the screen, and squeaked again. “Oh no oh gosh I gotta go! I handed back tests last class and I know half my students are gonna be there with questions!” She chugged the last dregs of her mocha, grabbed her bag, and sprinted for the door. “Bye Shiro bye Kam bye Mori thanks for everything love you see you later!”

Shiro was laughing so hard he had to brace himself on the counter. “You know,” he said conversationally as the door jangled shut, “I love that girl, and she's brilliant, but sometimes I’m genuinely surprised that she survived to adulthood.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haven't we all forgotten one of our character's abilities at least once? shout out to mori for that time she forgot she knew revivify until after she'd already told two NPCs that their friend was dead and there was nothing she could do. she remembered two rounds later, but the poor bastards went through quite the emotional roller coaster that day.
> 
> also, because i'm sure you're concerned, i want you to know that there was much research and discussion on the topic of "does kam have boobs?" and we decided that while we're normally on Team No Reptile Tits, lilac's suffering is funny, so kam has boobs at least in this au.


	4. Stealth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lilac learns about a coffee shop tradition, Shiro is a menace, and Mori is dramatic.

Lilac officially became A Regular rather quickly over the next few days. On the days she had class or other places to be, she at least stopped in for a quick something to go. On the days she didn't, she parked at her favorite big sunny table, spreading papers and her laptop across the surface and subsisting on coffee and pastries. Twice, Shiro's schedule overlapped with hers. They shared the table and worked together in companionable silence occasionally punctuated by dramatic complaining or lighthearted teasing.

She got to know a couple of the other regulars. The giant human she'd hidden behind on her third visit was named Gary. He was shy and didn't talk much, but he was very polite and happy to listen to Lilac's friendly chatter. He came in every couple of days for something Mori called the Sugar Skull, a 30 ounce monstrosity made with Death Wish and enough caramel to drown a small animal.

Michel was the campus security guard with the impressive beard, a more reasonably sized human who came in at odd hours before or after his irregular shifts. He was good-natured, if a bit grumpy, but that was understandable since it was hard for him to have a consistent sleep schedule. He liked black coffee in large amounts and would happily trade stories about undergrad shenanigans while they waited in line.

She fell into a comfortable pattern very quickly - the shop was a reliably cozy place to get work done with a steady supply of caffeine to keep her going, and Kam and Mori were always happy to chat for a few minutes when she needed a break. (Lilac was pretty sure she was doing a good job of being normal and friendly and not visibly drooling.) It was predictable, but in a good way - soothing without being boring.

And then Monday morning happened.

Lilac opened the door to One Lump Or Two and instinctively slammed it shut again.

After she took a moment to collect herself, she cracked it open again with exaggerated slowness.

Yep, that was heavy metal being blasted over the shop speakers.

This was unusual, to say the least.

Lilac entered the shop slowly, looking around. No one else appeared to be alarmed or confused. All the customers were behaving normally, though Mori seemed to be enthusiastically headbanging behind the Giant Magic Coffee Machine Thingy - Lilac should really learn what it was called - while she steamed some milk.

As Lilac approached the counter, she thought the song sounded vaguely familiar, but she couldn't place it.

“Heyyyy, Kam,” Lilac ventured. “Uhh, what's up?”

“Morning, Lilac,” said Kam casually. She sliced open a roll of copper pieces with one claw and dropped them into the register drawer, then reached for another. “Not much. How about you?”

“Uh, not much. But,” Lilac continued, raising one finger quizzically, “umm, what's with the music?”

“Hmm? Oh,” said Kam. “Ha, I guess this is your first Monday, huh? You've been here so much I forgot you only stumbled in last week. It's-”

“IT'S METAL MORI MONDAY!” crowed Mori, wrapping one arm around Kam's shoulders and throwing up devil horns with the other hand.

Kam smiled. “Yep.”

Lilac blinked. “And Metal Mori Monday means… heavy metal music and happy Mori?”

“It means,” said Kam with an affectionate look at Mori, “that after weeks of arguing over the playlist, the two of us came to a compromise. Mori gets full control over the aux cord on Mondays and lets me play music that means people can actually hear each other talk - and themselves think - the rest of the week. Though actually a lot of it's grown on me. Some of the more chill songs have made it onto my playlists.”

“Put another way, it means that on Mondays we play music that won't put you to sleep,” Mori said with a grin. “Speaking of, how much oomph do you need this morning?”

“Only a moderate amount. Can I have a grande three-shot latte with honey and nutmeg, please?”

“No, but you  _ can _ have a  _ large _ three-shot latte with honey and nutmeg,” Mori shot back. “To stay or to go?”

“To stay, please! Shiro should be here in a few minutes, we're gonna steal the big table again.”

“Steal away,” said Kam. “That's what it's there for. Any breakfast?”

“Yes please! What do you suggest that I haven't tried yet?”

“The morning glory muffins are delicious  _ and _ good for you.”

“Ugh, fine, make me be healthy.”

Lilac dropped her change in the tip jar as usual and hopped into her preferred bar stool, which was as close to Kam and Mori's work area as possible. She could move to the table when Shiro got here. She was being friendly. This was normal and not creepy or desperate. She fidgeted with her glasses.

Kam reached under the counter and hefted a large cardboard box onto the surface next to where Lilac was sitting. It clanked slightly. Kam sliced open the tape with a claw, folded back the flaps, looked inside, and sighed.

“What is it?” asked Lilac.

“Merchandise shipment from the owner,” said Kam, gesturing at the shelves against one wall that were filled with teapots, french presses, and assorted other beverage accessories. “He has kind of weird taste, though.” She reached into the box and pulled out a large ceramic teapot that would have looked perfectly normal if it hadn't been neon green. “There are a dozen of these. I'm not convinced I'm going to be able to sell a dozen electric lime teapots.” She lifted it higher in one hand and peered at it like it was a skull and she was Hamlet. “Maybe if I bill it as a springtime promotion, bundle it with some flowery or fruity tisanes…”

“Tisanes?”

“Technically-correct-slash-pretentious word for teas made from herbs, flowers, fruits, whatever. Strictly speaking, something isn't really 'tea’ unless it's made from the  _ Camellia Sinensis _ plant. But literally no one cares except tea nerds.”

“Huh, neat! Also yay, I learned a thing!” Lilac said with a small celebratory dance. “So why does the owner send you weird merchandise that's hard to sell?”

“Honestly? No clue.” Kam set the teapot aside and pulled out a second one. “I've never actually met the guy. I don't think he lives around here - we only ever talk over email. He's very hands-off for the most part, lets me basically run the place, which is nice. But occasionally he'll do something weird like this.” She waved expressively at the box of teapots. “I get the impression he's got more than enough money from other sources and the shop is kind of a hobby for him so he just… kinda does whatever.”

“Huh.” Lilac let that sink in. “Okay, that doesn't sound like too bad an arrangement, as long as he pays you fairly for the fact that you're operating his entire business.”

“Oh, yeah, don't worry about me. I'm generously salaried and I like my job a lot, even with the occasional batch of unsellable merchandise. He's a good guy.”

“Okay, good,” Lilac grinned devilishly. “Otherwise I'd have to find him and beat him up.” She punched at the air and tried to look as scary as possible.

Kam laughed. “Thanks for defending my honor, Lilac.”

“Any time!”

Mori broke in with an announcement. “One  _ large _ three-shot honey nutmeg latte for the chatty purple one!” She slid a large mug down the counter with her signature accuracy.

“Thanks!” said Lilac, stars in her eyes as she grabbed her holy sacrament. She brought it to her face, inhaled deeply, parted her lips, and barely avoided flinging the entire thing into the air when Shiro whispered “Boo!” right in her ear.

“AAAAAaaaaoohh my gods Shiro you jerk! You almost made me ruin one of Mori's masterpieces!  _ And it's my first coffee of the day!” _

Shiro cackled and ruffled her hair. Lilac squawked and hastily put her mug down - safely out of his reach - so she could use both hands to put it right again. “Good morning to you too,” he said with a shit-eating grin.

“Shut up. I hate you. I'm disowning you.”

“Oh no, how terrible, I won't inherit your collection of five thousand textbooks. Morning Kam, Mori.”

“Morning, Shiro. Tea or coffee today?”

“Tea, please. Can I get a pot of the mint green?”

Mori scoffed and switched places with Kam, ringing him up while Kam pulled the appropriate tin down from the shelf.  _ “Leaf juice. _ Sometimes you fool me into respecting you, and then you go and do this.”

“Is ‘leaf juice’ somehow worse than ‘bean water’? They both sound dumb if you give them dumb names.”

“HOW  _ DARE!” _ Mori launched into a clearly well-practiced lecture. It included a lot of phrases like 'false parallels’ and 'zero flavor’ and 'blasphemy against the Caffeine Gods.’

Lilac listened attentively. Mori started pacing. Shiro took advantage of her distraction to Prestidigitate a large striped bag of popcorn while she wasn't watching him. It was illusory. That didn't stop him from pretending to eat it, complete with crunching sound effects, for full comedic effect.

Kam turned back around with a matching floral cup, saucer, and gently steaming teapot. She saw Shiro's popcorn and barely smothered a laugh. He winked at her and she did not smother the second one, which set Lilac off as well.

Mori whirled around and took in the laughter, the popcorn, and Shiro's grin. She threw her hands in the air. “That's it! I give up. You're a lost cause. I'm with Lilac. You're disowned.”

Shiro dispelled the popcorn with his characteristic burst of tiny lightning bolts and cold dry air. “Excellent, two out of three! I just have to horrify Kam and I'll get the full set.” He looked sidelong at Lilac while he said it.

Lilac looked away and bit her lip. As much as she might want to be, she wasn't part of the set. Mori and Kam were a perfect set all on their own.

Kam and Shiro started chatting about tea while Shiro poured his first cup. Mori was preoccupied by cleaning off her Coffee Device while muttering darkly. Lilac took the opportunity to pull out her phone and send Shiro a quick text.

_ you were right, they're exclusive ToT </3 _

Shiro glanced at his phone where he'd set it on the counter, saw the notification, and quickly swiped it away. He shot her a sympathetic look and she gave him the best smile she could manage. Shiro might be a troll, but he was a good guy. He'd have teased her forever if they'd been available, but now that she knew she didn't have a chance, he wouldn't rub it it.

Shiro took a first sip of his tea. “Perfect as always, Kam. Thanks! Now I'm afraid we should go get started on our work. I've got a grant application to wrap up and I know Lilac has a ton of grading.”

Lilac groaned. “Don't remind me.” She levered herself up from her stool with a dramatic sigh. “All right, back to the nerd mines. Thank you both!” She grabbed her muffin, her coffee, and her bag, somehow managing to juggle them all until she made it to their table. Shiro followed with considerably more grace.

Once they got settled, Shiro caught her eye. He looked like he was about to say something. Lilac shook her head frantically, gestured subtly to the two baristas behind her, and pointed at his phone.

Shiro gave her a weirdly deadpan look for a moment, the rolled his eyes, sighed silently but dramatically, and picked up his phone.

_ Don't give up hope. Things can change. _

_ are you kidding??? look at them, they're such a perfect couple!! they don't need anyone else _

Shiro read her response and pointedly flicked his eyes towards the counter. Lilac pretended to stretch her back so she could twist around and take a look.

Mori was carrying an armload of teamaking equipment to the end of the bar, as far away from her station as possible. There was already a significant pile there. “All of this blasphemous material must be removed from the Altar of Caffeine! Heresy will not be tolerated!”

Kam was perched on the counter and rolling her eyes. “You are  _ ridiculous.” _

“I AM THE PRIEST OF THE COFFEE GODS! I HAVE PLEDGED TO CARRY OUT THEIR WILL!”

Lilac looked back at Shiro. His eyebrows were raised pointedly. Lilac sighed and picked up her phone again.

_ they're having FUN, which is something couples DO! look at how comfortable they are together!!! they don't need some new third coming in and messing that up. look, i’m fine. i'm more than happy just to be their friend _

Lilac decisively set her phone on the table face down and pulled a stack of grading out of her bag. Shiro sighed even more dramatically than last time but let it go. They both got to work.

A few minutes later, Lilac pulled out a notebook and discreetly jotted down a few points from Mori's Coffee Is The Only True Way lecture that she wanted to ask Kam about. Later. On a day when Mori wasn't working. Possibly on a day when she was out of town. She closed the notebook carefully and tucked it in the very bottom of her bag.

About half an hour later, she was in the middle of trying to find any amount of partial credit she could give this poor student when an extremely familiar set of lyrics filtered through her ears and into her conscious mind. She froze and listened. Yep, those were definitely the words she'd thought she heard.

“Mori,” said Lilac carefully without turning her head. “Is this a heavy metal cover of Africa by Toto?”

Mori's triumphant evil laughter was her only response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here is a fun fact about Kam's player in the real world: she used to work at a tea shop with a mysterious absentee owner, and he really did send them an impractical number of neon green teapots, and they really were impossible to sell. most of them were still on the shelves years later when the location finally shut down.
> 
> here are some fun facts about this modern magical au world that will probably never be relevant in the story but i'm telling you about them because you can't stop me:
> 
> \- everyone is paid at least a comfortable wage, even grad students and baristas  
> \- queerness and polyamory are totally normal and unremarkable  
> \- there is no racism, whether you're talking about about skin color, height, presence of horns/claws/tusks/tails/etc, or anything else. none of it  
> \- everyone has permanent magical pronoun spells cast on them so that anyone looking at them immediately knows what pronouns to use for them, even if their pronouns change constantly  
> \- the geography and history and currency and etc of this world are all straight out of our campaign world, but they still have music and other pop culture from our world because it's funny and i said so
> 
> basically it's a goofy queer utopia because it's my world and i do what i want. fight me.


	5. Persuasion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kam has an indecent proposal for Lilac. Luckily for both of them, Mori isn't around to hear about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kam is quieter than mori, so i wanted to make sure she got some time to shine.

Lilac was a bit wobbly when she wandered into the shop around 11 am. She'd been up until 3 making an exam that she gave to her class at 9, and she’d slept until 8:45 so she didn’t have any caffeine beforehand. She drifted to the counter and bonked into it with a quiet “oof.” She stared down at the surface, not because she wanted to, but because her neck didn't want to support her head properly.

She opened her mouth, but before she could start begging for coffee, a familiar clawed hand placed a mug directly in her line of sight. She squeaked in happiness and started to reach for it, but hesitated halfway there when she realized something wasn't quite right about it. Several somethings, in fact.

First of all, the mug was wrong - it was heavy ceramic glazed a dark reddish-brown, handle-less and camel-less, with an interesting curved and fluted shape almost reminiscent of ancient Sundrian columns.

Second, it had a strange straw sticking out of it, made of worked silver metal with gold accents, with an unusually wide mouth.

Third, it was  _ not  _ full of coffee. It was full of… something. The something was very green and looked sort of like lawn clippings soaking in hot water. The steam rising from it smelled sort of like lawn clippings, too.

Lilac tentatively reached out with one finger and poked the straw. It wiggled, and the lawn clippings sloshed, and it did not shatter an illusion to reveal an actual cup of coffee.

She mustered the strength to lift her head and meet Kam's eyes. She was tired, which meant there was even less of a filter between her emotions and her face than usual. The confusion and betrayal she was feeling must have been very obvious, because Kam burst out laughing and had to clutch the edge of the counter to stay upright.

“I'm sorry,” she choked out eventually, wiping a tear from her eye, “you just - your  _ face _ \- you look like i just killed your pet!”

“Kam,” Lilac asked mournfully, “why do you want me to drink grass?”

That just set her off again. Lilac waited in a mild daze for her to catch her breath.

“Okay, so,” Kam said once she'd gotten herself under control. “You drink a lot of coffee. And that's fine! I'm not judging. But if you keep drinking this much, your caffeine tolerance will keep going up, which means you'll need to drink even  _ more _ coffee, and you're gonna get stuck in a feedback loop. It's not sustainable. If you want coffee to keep working, which I assume you do, you need to manage your tolerance carefully. I’ve been working on a plan for you, and this is step one.” She pointed at the strange mug full of wet grass. “This is yerba mate, or just mate, spelled M A T E.” She pronounced it like 'mah-tay.’ “It's grown on Zhamas, in the foothills of the Kragan Peaks, and it's a lot like tea, but it has almost as much caffeine as coffee. Plus allegedly a bunch of antioxidants and other things that are good for you, at least according to health nuts on the internet, so, grain of salt. I want you to try it, see what you think. And I promise that if you hate it I'll make you some coffee, but just please think about the long term before you decide?”

Lilac took a minute to process all of those words. Once she'd gotten through it, she squinted up at Kam suspiciously. “You waited until Mori wasn't working to do this.”

“Oh, absolutely. I'm not an idiot. She'd call it blasphemy against the Caffeine Gods and try to burn me at the stake.”

Lilac mulled it over, but Kam had a point. She also had surprisingly effective puppy eyes for someone who wasn't a mammal. Lilac sighed in defeat. “All right, fine, I'll try your weird grass,” she grumbled as she trudged to her barstool.

“Yesss,” Kam hissed, pumping her fist in victory. She grabbed the mug and brought it over to where Lilac was slumped on the counter. “Don't worry, I put plenty of honey in it for you.”

Kam perked up slightly at that. She did love honey. She poked the straw again. “So do I…?”

“Yeah, you drink it through the straw. Slow sips, it's hot! It's got a strainer at the bottom to filter out the leaves.” Lilac lifted the straw out of the drink curiously and saw that this was true. “This is a sort of traditional, almost old-fashioned way to prepare it - I figured you'd want to start there. But you can do basically anything you like with it, just like coffee or tea - ice it, make a latte out of it, whatever. And we have some flavored ones that I think you’ll like.”

Lilac mumbled something nonverbal in vague acknowledgement. After one last inhale - yep, it still smelled like grass - she sat up and took a careful sip.

Huh. It had a strong flavor, and it did taste kind of like grass, but not in a  _ bad _ way. And it had a sort of… pepperiness? that probably wasn't the right word, but whatever… that was really interesting. It stood up very well to the honey, not getting drowned by the sticky-sweetness like many other flavors did. Overall, it was weird, but in a good, she-could-get-into-this way.

She hummed thoughtfully and took another, longer sip. Yeah, she could get into this.

Kam was making an odd choking noise. When Lilac looked up, she was smothering more laughter behind her hand. Lilac tried to glare but knew she was too sleepy for it to work well.

“I'm sorry,” said Kam. “You just - you look so serious, like you're peer-reviewing a paper or something.”

“I basically am,” Lilac replied primly. “Adopting a new research procedure could impact my results, and that's not a change to make without careful consideration.” Kam let out her gorgeous laugh again. Lilac hid her smug smile by taking another long drink. “I like it, though. It's kinda weird, but good weird.”

Kam looked so delighted that Lilac silently vowed to drink as much mate as she could stand, if only to see that smile again.

“I have to head out in like half an hour, but can I have a pastry? I don't even care what, just something warm to make me feel alive. And can I try this stuff as a latte when I go?”

Kam smiled warmly and reached out to ruffle Lilac's hair with her claws. Lilac squeaked and grabbed her glasses before they slid off her nose. “Of course, sleepyhead. On the house, since you humored me.”

She strode off towards the pastry case while Lilac felt herself flushing bright purple all the way to her hairline. “Thanks, Kam,” she mumbled, wrapping both hands around her mug. “You're the best.”

“I know,” grinned Kam over her shoulder. Lilac, against all probability, felt her face get even warmer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no matter what i did, the word 'mate' as in the drink is still too easy to confuse with 'mate' as in procreation partner so i just gave up. lilac is thirsty enough that it sorta works anyway.


End file.
